To Mom on Mother’s Day 2019:
I needed you. I needed your love. I needed a mother who loved me. I needed that.
I needed a mother who cared about me, payed attention to me, acknowledged me, took an interest in me, delighted in who I am, enjoyed spending time with me and discovering who I am, taught me wisdom and discernment, infused in me a deep awareness of my intrinsic value, encouraged me to grow and learn and become who God created me to be, protected me and taught me to protect myself, showed me how to interact with others in an honest and loving way without sacrificing my dignity or honor, taught me to value, respect and honor myself, modeled modesty and self-love, and valued who she is.
I needed a mother who set boundaries and honored mine.
I needed a mother who listened to me and taught me that my voice is valuable, even when no one is honoring my voice.
I needed a mother who taught me the difference between good and evil, pure and perverse, dark and light.
I needed a mother who loves the Lord and showed me who He is through how she treated me and walked with Him.
I needed a mother who has integrity and practices what she demands of me.
I needed a mother who was a godly example for me to learn from and follow.
I needed a mother I could go to for advice and counsel, for wisdom and understanding.
I needed a mother who taught me the importance of getting wisdom and how to lean on the Lord for understanding.
I needed a mother who encouraged me to exercise my free will even when I would suffer consequences, who honored my free will and even celebrated it.
I needed a mother who gave of herself and did not take everything from me.
I needed a mother who knew who she is, her strengths and weaknesses, who accepts herself as she is and knows that she is in a process of becoming all that God created her to be. I needed a mother who likes herself.
I needed a mother who rejoiced in her humanity and eschewed perfectionism for the lie that it is.
I needed a mother who owned her mistakes and apologized for when she hurt me.
I needed a mother who saw me as a treasure, not a threat to her.
I needed a mother who bandaged me when I was hurt, even if she hated the sight of blood.
I needed a mother who helped me when I asked for help so that I would not become self-reliant, isolated or ashamed of needing help.
I needed so much from you. But most of all, I needed your love. I could probably have done without all the other stuff…if only you’d loved me. Maybe if you’d loved me, then all the other stuff would have come easily and naturally. Then maybe you wouldn’t have seen me as a burden or inconvenience to you.
I’m so deeply hurt that you didn’t love me. I am heartbroken beyond words. I am only just now starting to let go of the shame I feel for knowing my mother doesn’t love me and rejects me as her daughter. I am only now beginning to let go of your blame, that I was the reason why you didn’t love me.
Once I admitted that I needed a mother and her love, then all the lies you built around me to keep me from coming anywhere near you or asking you for anything – those lies began crumbling down around me. I began to breathe freely and easily. The tightness around my chest, pressing in and crushing my lungs and heart, began to ease up. I gulped in the fresh air that no longer had to be siphoned through a tiny straw. Anxiety began to break off. It’s not my fault that you never loved me. It’s not bad or shameful that I needed your love and that I needed a mother.
I was a child and I needed a mother. I needed to be loved by my mother. I needed that, and that’s OK. It doesn’t make me weak or pathetic or objectionable or shameful to need my mother, especially as a child.
I needed you. It hurts my heart so much that you rejected me.
Today, I accept that I needed you. I accept that you refused to give me love or be a mother to me. I accept that your decision is not my fault nor my responsibility. I accept these things. I needed to accept these things, so that I could begin to grieve this loss, the loss of a mother’s love and care.
It’s been healing to cry and grieve and sob over my need for a mother’s love. It’s also been painful beyond what I thought possible, but it’s letting out all the hurt that crusted over and encased my heart for too long. It’s helping me to see that I am not bad. I believed my whole life up until now that you didn’t love me because I was bad and didn’t do whatever you needed me to do to make you love me. I thought if only I’d been smart enough to figure out how to please you, then you would have loved me.
Now, I realize that love isn’t earned. Love is a gift. You alone were responsible for your love, not me. Only you could decide whether to love me. I had no power over you to make you love me or to earn your love. The power to give me love was solely yours. You withheld your love from me and told me it was my fault. You blamed me for your decision to reject me. I, as a child, not knowing any better, believed you and believed that I must be bad if my mother doesn’t love me. I thought it must be my fault because I believed that adults and parents didn’t make mistakes.
I needed you. I needed your acceptance. I needed your love. I needed a mother.
Now, I need to grieve the loss of these things. I wish that weren’t so, but it is. It’s what you chose. I grieve what we could have had, the love we could have shared, the relationship we could have known, the conversations we could have had, the things we could have done together, the art we could have created together.
Even though you don’t love me, I do love you. I needed to let you know that. I needed to tell you all this so that it doesn’t suffocate me anymore from being held in and denied. I need you to know that I needed you and your love.
I know now that God can fill the hole that you created by your rejection. He can give me all the affection and attention that you were not able to give me. He can be my mother and love me wholly and completely.
I release you from this burden, from this debt, from this hurt you caused in my heart. I forgive you for not loving me or being a mother to me. I forgive you for rejecting me. I forgive you for blaming me for your choice to reject me. I forgive you for all the bad stuff that you did to me, too. You wreaked a lot of havoc on my soul with your violence and wicked actions. It’s cost me a lot more than you know, more than I could ever express in a letter. The Lord knows what your harm cost me.
I need you to know that I don’t hate you anymore. I need you to know that I won’t expect anything from you that you are not able to give me. I know that you have limitations. I accept that.
I accept you as you are. I acknowledge that you gave birth to me, named me, clothed me and gave me a place to sleep, fed me and sent me to school. You did these things. You could have chosen to have an abortion, give me up for adoption or throw me away in a dumpster. You chose to keep me and do what you were able to do for me.
And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. ~ Malachi 2:15
Mother, I can bring you no greater honor than to live my life for Christ, to become refined into His image and serve Him all the days of my life. I do this for Him, for myself and for my bloodline – past, present and future. May my life be a blessing over you!
I don’t really know what else to say. I’m emptied right now from this expression of my heart.
Your daughter and godly offspring,